For Your Sense of Self

You need to make peace with a couple of things.

You need to first make peace with who you are as a person, and realize as well accept that you are not going to please everyone. This can be extremely difficult if you’re nonconfrontational, and an extreme empath. There may not be anything wrong with you, but some people will never like you no matter what and will be against anything and everything that you’re doing. It’s frustrating, yes, but there is nothing that you can do to make yourself more palatable to them. If you try, you will find that you will lose a sense of self, and each time you try, a piece of yourself will go too. It’s futile. Stop now.

You need to let go of toxic people even if they are your own family. This is the hardest. How do you let go of the people 1) you love the most and 2) are indicators of where you as a person are from?

Sometimes your family can be your downfall. If they don’t agree with what you are doing with your life they may try anything and everything to sabotage you, and your goals. If you have an extremely toxic family especially one where the man ie head of household is toxic and influences everyone else, you may need to look elsewhere for love, affection, affirmation, and validation because you will only get heartache, disappointment, disillusionment, and continuous psychological trauma which can prevent you from being able to do any work, and progress in your personal and professional life. (Yes, I am speaking from personal experience)

How do you establish boundaries? Be firm and assertive. Tell someone the boundaries you operate on. A lot of times in our community, we tend to dismiss people’s boundaries. You can’t imagine how many times I’ve blocked a person over.”caadi iska dhig.” What is that supposed to mean other than,” accept my bs, what the hell is wrong with you for expecting better behavior from another adult?” People will either respect their boundaries and you can maintain a relationship with them or they won’t, and you need to decide whether it’s worth keeping them in your life. Often, it’s not, because their actions are detrimental to your being, and the more they cross your boundaries, the more they’re showing what they think of you. They don’t think much of you. Now, is that someone you want to give access to your space? They make you second guess your value, they undercut your achievements, and they throw things back in your face, or they may be more subtle, and sheepishly comment on how that wasn’t really a great deal, and that so and so did something better. Their comparison is not meant to make you feel good about yourself. It is supposed to do exactly what you know its supposed to do: make you feel bad about yourself. Now, is that someone you can trust with your insecurities, and shortcomings, and can give you a helping hand in trying times? No. You know that.

It’s hard to stand alone. People count on the fact that because it is so difficult to be alone that sometimes they continuously trespass your boundaries because they think where else are you going to go? Everyone needs a family, right? Qof kasta meel ayuu ka soo jeedaa? Soo ma aha?

When you disengage and exercise these hard boundaries, know and accept that they may never engage with you again, or accept your terms of engagement. Can you live without them? That’s the question you have to ask yourself. 

What to do those moments when you are especially weak and vulnerable? Do you engage? Well after some time of not communicating with people, they may have moved on too, so engage at your own risk of being rejected, or falling into another cycle. Maybe they’ll be happy to hear from you and needed you to make that move because you disengaged initially.
Maybe they’ve had a ceremonial burying for you, and do not want to have anything to do with you.  This is a tough pill to accept, but accept it you must. Move on.

If a long time has passed, really think about this, and what you are going to say. What is the reason for your return? Are you there to stay? Are you going to stay on their conditions since you made the first move of reestablishing contact?

Finally, I would say find meaning in life that is outside of your connection to other people. People come and go. You have to live with the person you are. Do you like this person? Do you respect this person?
Take care of yourself and your finances like you have no backup outside of yourself, because you truly may not. If you get a flat tire, who are you going to call? If you lose your job, can you survive 3-6 months until you find another? Make an emergency plan for the dark days. Things to do to take your mind off things. Understand that if you did what you could to maintain a relationship and it didn’t work out, it is what it is. Even if you didn’t do what you could, because the business of living got in the way, and the relationship is irreparably broken, then it is what it is. What can you do alone? To make a relationship work you need the other person to not only be willing but also actively work on it along with you. If you don’t have that partnership, then you don’t have a relationship. There is no relationship to maintain or work on.


Make peace with yourself and your circumstances and change what you can control and try not to worry about what you can’t.