On Being Alone

There is a danger in sharing your story. People are quick to dismiss you as,”angry and vengeful.” Well, let’s get this out of the way: I am absolutely angry, and I have a right to be. I am not asking that you understand my anger.
As far as vengeful, what can I really do to my abusers? Shame them? They should be ashamed.
If they didn’t want me to talk about my traumatic experiences at their hands, they shouldn’t have inflicted trauma upon me.
There is another real danger. Much bigger than people criticizing you.
It is the loss of relationships.
When I talk openly about my experiences, and I’m revealing parts of myself, I am also inadvertently unmasking others or people whom they love.
For me, its some of my siblings that I do care about.
When I talk about the trauma I’ve experienced at the hands of their mother, there could be a potential loss of relationships.
I’ve realized a lot of us are silent because of the people we’re bound to. We don’t want to hurt their feelings. We don’t want to inadvertently make them,”choose sides.” Do I ever expect my siblings to choose me over their mother? No. That’s lunacy. I struggle with depression, but I’m pretty lucid and sane. I’m pretty realistic too.
It’s a risk that I’m willing to take because I want to be free from the emotional trauma that I’m still carrying. And speaking about things openly, and publicly, is my way of processing things.
Of course, there are going to be casualties.
Also, when you’re the only child from a different mother, you and your siblings are already oceans apart. There is you. And then there is them. They’re connected, bound by a single womb.
You’re always the outsider. If they’re particularly cruel, they never let you forget it.
I’ve realized my aloneness is my best asset. I feel loyal to myself, and to my own truth.
Being alone removes from you the “loyalty” that keeps you silent, that keeps you accepting the bullshit, the microaggressions within your family, the constant otherness you’re made to feel and expected to forever live with.
Being alone, for me, has never been more powerful.
Being alone is also understandably scary. I want to address this one day and talk about forming tribes of your own choosing, based on mutual respect and love.
But right now, here’s to being alone, being proud of yourself, and loving yourself despite all the ways you’ve been made to believe that you aren’t lovable or a worthy person.
You are.